I'm in Wallis for a few days with my parents. You can't escape your condition and god-damn I'm tired of hating myself because of my bourgeois family. Anyway I'm living in luxury, in a nice hotel with a spa. Everything is beautiful I have to say, so much old artifact here. Some ancient paintings and engraving are on the wall. I miss my guitar and the cold is unbearable, my phone battery doesn't last long outside. And it's for the better i can't text her. Today i blocked her from all my social networks, and i feel light now. A lot of things happened since I've wrote them. That's what i say to all my far away close friends. Well i lost my best friend and it hurts bad, really really bad. And It's all my fault. She helped me a lot and I'm very thankful for it. She helped me go thru what i thought was the hardest part of my life. Jokes on me it's right now the hardest part of my life and i feel alone, i miss her. Depression is though, it's not an easy road it makes you go to places you never thought you'd go, do things you'd never thought you'd do. So many lines are in my nose. Facing your problems is fucking hard no wonder that you're high. And there's so many problems that doesn't have a solution. What if it was my mind that was fucked up, what if addiction was in my dna ? Well it is, they told me that at my psychiatric hospital. I'll have to write it someday. For now i don't know if i need a rest or a party. I'm so fucked up, i sleep in the day and live in the night, and this is not hotel friendly lifestyle.
I never rest i'll rest when i'm dead. I also miss my antidepressants i forgot them home, and it's quite bad. Yeah, my SSRI are not in my brain, and it makes me want to end that comedy forever. I know i could do it and that's what frightens me. I like the snow and the blue sky, I'll write more soon, hopefully there will be a party someday. I have to tell you about the few months that passed, but I don't have the strength right now.
Midnight skies, a white moon above them. Maybe a couple cigarettes, or a joint i'm not really sure. But by these nights you need smoke gently comming out of your lungs and going to reach the moon. Because you wont. It's funny or depressing how you always stay on your space rock and never get to go anywhere else. You'll always stay on the same literally shitty soil. Resigned to live under an economic regime that dictate what you will like, find cool, dislike, hate. An economic system that choose to help or not help you, and people with disabilities know that it rarely choose to help you. So they will let you die. If you're dead you can't show the flaws of that system anymore. Because humans are now meant to produce, to work. But if you can't work you're not seen as a human. This goes with any ideology that sees work as the way you're meant to live. From fascists to social democrats they want you the alcoholic to be dead rather then have to pay you food, t
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